Single moms, more so than anyone, have to be exceedingly careful about the type of man they select as life-long partners. No sensible woman wants to be judged soley on her appearence or sex appeal, right? Moreoever, who would even want a man mostly interested in sex without a real commitment, right again? These questions create an age-old conundrum. Exactly, how does one find a guy who loves them and only wants what is best for them? Let’s take it up a notch. How do you resist those natural impulses to throw caution to the wind and break down and have sex?

For starters. . .

Read between the lines.

A wise person once said, Words carry a little weight, but actions truly reveal the entireity of a matter. When you meet a new guy, be especially observant of the kinds of things he talks about. Carefully listen to his conversation. Remember, you can usually learn plenty about a person simply by listening to them. If the conversation is laced with sexual innuendos, that is your “red flag”.

Where’s the fire…

Be leery of physical contact early in the relationship. Someone who is overly “touchy” after knowing you for a short amount of time might have less than honorable motives. Yes, some guys are “touchy feely” with women. But think for a moment, if you marry a man who can’t keep his hands to himself, you are asking for trouble!

Let get real, here. As single moms, it’s only natural to enjoy the attention of men, but don’t allow loneliness or insecurity to propel you into a relationship that may bring pain later. You are far too precious for that, single mom.

Take your time with the physical stuff. Approach the dating relationship the same way you would with a platonic friend. Save the kissing or hugging until you really know the guy.

We often give away far too much too soon in our interpersonal encounters. Don’t be the type woman that every guy in the neighborhood knows what it’s like to kiss and squeeze. Even if he says he loves you, remember that love waits. Love is patient, love is kind and real love will never disrespect you. Slow down, enjoy the progression of the new relationship. There’s no fire, so hold your horses!

God’s plan for you…

God has a plan and it’s not about pointless denial. His plan is first marriage and then sex after the legal, spiritual and emotional commitment. When you create a list of rules for your kids, you do so to protect them, right? Well, God is no different. He loves you and wants to spare you unnecessary grief.

There is forgiveness….

If for whatever reason, you have engaged in a sexual relationship outside of marriage understand that God still loves you. Our blunders don’t make Him love us any less. He desperately wants to put the pieces of your life back together and make all things new again.

Living life “our way”, guided by our emotions or feelings, always brings disappointment and shame. However, God specializes in such wounds. Allow Him to cleanse your pain and remove your guilt (read 1John 1:9). If you confess your sin, He WILL forgive it. He’s promised. The next and most crucial step is for you to forgive yourself.

Our children….

Our children rely on us to model appropriate moral standards. Most wise moms advise their teens to abstain from sex before marriage. We carefully explain to them the dangers of sex “now a days”. We share how abstinence protects us against sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies. Taking this into account, why should we want anything different for ourselves? Our children are growing up so fast. Our time with them is very precious. Let’s not taint it recovering from unecessary love-related heartbreaks. Nothing is worse for children than to see their moms wounded, hurt, bitter and dejected.

My mother recently told me, (relative to my health) ‘a good mother takes supreme care of herself for the sake of her children’. I think the same applies to emotional health. Don’t run the risk of giving your body and soul away only to be left with an empty bed and broken heart. It really isn’t worth it, single mom.

About The Author

Teri Worten is a freelance writer as well as the founder of the online contemporary magazine for single moms and all women – Gotta Be Me Girl.Com! You can visit her site and read more articles at http://www.gottabemegirl.com/

Family Law

A frustrating lack of permanence plagues modern relationships. Approximately one of every two marriages ends in divorce and the average length of a marriage before divorce is only five years.  Many couples today chose cohabitation over traditional marriage. What happened to the idealized family depicted in Father Knows Best, Leave it To Beaver, The Donna Reed Show and Ozzie and Harriet?

No simple answer exists to this question: our intimate relationships have been affected by the industrialization of society, urbanization, continued changes in the traditional roles of the sexes and greater economic independence for women, a rise in the percentage of the population pursuing a college education, a lessening of social pressure against couples who cohabit, the recognition of legal rights for llegitimate children, a decreasing birth rate, improved birth control methods and a longer life expectancy. All these factors contribute to our alarming divorce rate.

Is it any wonder the state ( literally, the state you live in and as, generically, any form of government) must pass laws that affect our personal relationships as we struggle for answers? 
You can take opposing views of the laws in our country.  One argument is that they protect society and its members, but the flip side contends they are a means of oppression.  The laws that impact our intimate relationships are not necessarily harmful or intrusive in and of themselves.  However, forming a relationship without a working knowledge of these laws and without considering all the ramifications can lead to situations where the end result is both.

The state’s role in romantic relationships has often been justified by “public policy” interests. The term “public policy,” though vague, is used to justify laws or actions that would injure the public welfare or be contrary to public decency, sound policy and good morals.

Understanding the necessity of laws that impact on our personal relationships starts with the recognition that our society is not the first to regulate love and the law. The efforts of governments throughout history to control the couplings of its citizens illustrates why and how our own laws were created and why and how, inevitably, they will adapt as society changes.

The one form of marriage permitted under our laws is the only option for couples who want a legal relationship. Happily, the single status is only a temporary situation for most Americans.  Few will stop looking for love, trust, companionship and sexual and emotional fulfillment with another person. However, couples wanting to remarry, parents with ready-made families, couples over 65 looking for companionship without legal complications, all seek answers from the same legal relationship. 

Although divorce laws have undergone radical changes in our lifetimes, the marriage laws have remained relatively static.  Unfortunately, because couples considering marriage have many different needs, it is not uncommon for the laws that govern marriage to conflict with these needs. Too often, couples learn too late that financial penalties come attached to the marriage license.  Marriage may be the only means of forming a legal and financial relationship under the law but, for many, legal marriage simply implies that they must suffer penalties to legalize their relationship.

As traditional marriage has proven less and less capable of living up to its potential in our society, alternatives such as unmarried cohabitation have arisen. The increase in couples who choose to cohabit can be traced to the fact that the marriage laws are not meeting the needs of these citizens in forming their personal relationships.  Although there are a variety of reasons why couples choose to “just live together,” financial disadvantages are a major factor.

If you are previously married and considering a remarriage, you know that the older bride or groom has different needs than the young couple entering a first marriage.  The responsibilities and obligations from prior marriages, particularly when children are involved, cannot be ignored. Men and women over fifty who have minor children fight the same uphill battle as younger couples do in defining and fulfilling their obligations of visitation, custody, support, and inheritance.  These problems create stress for the old family, as well as the new, upon remarriage.

Even without children, it is possible that obligations to former spouses can impact a new marriage. Older couples must consider the potential loss of private pensions, alimony, social security benefits or tax advantages because of a remarriage.  Also important is the issue of inheritance of assets that may have taken a lifetime to accumulate.  Older couples may want to limit their financial obligations to each other in the areas of support, medical costs, insurance, and pension benefits.

If you are a refugee from the marital wars, you learned the hard way about precautions that could have been taken the first time and should be taken the next. The happily married couple doesn’t need to learn from experience; they, too, can benefit from the information in this book. If you are one of the lucky couples who has beat the odds and stayed married, we want to show you how to continue to protect and preserve your relationship…and your money.

About The Author

Ms. Duff has been featured on Today, Good Morning America, in The Wall Street Journal, Self, New Woman, Smart Money and Modern Maturity and has been a guest on hundreds of radio talk shows.
johnetteduff@aol.com

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